What is wrong with me...

Another day...
I woke up around 10 am...good, at least I had 8 hours of sleep... and I can't remember what I dreamt of... a sign of proper rest... yeah, in case you're wondering...remembering your dreams means you didn't slept properly...
there are uncountable times when I honestly wish I can stay there...resting in peace forever... just being in the state of serenity...and calmness...

I can't seem to find inner peace...I've tried hard and yes, successful at times..but it only lasted for not more than days... and then comes the inner torment and sorrows...
that excruciating inner pain...and constant scream and chaos...

My mind feels numb...
maybe its because of the heat.... I seek comfort in classical and new age music...
and generally music of all genre too...
but the comfort only last for a certain period...
I can't seem to find solutions...
maybe I'm just too lazy.... and unmotivated....

I can't seem to bare and live in this constant mess no longer...
I need to leave...
I want to emancipate...
but I know I'm stepping into another world of a new darkness...
and unfamiliar one...

I always prayed for a guardian angel...
a certain someone to give me a push...
to take my hand and lead me the way...
I can't seem to find the path for myself....

I'm tired...
I feel useless...
and I feel dirty...
Honest gratitude to those who advised me... and inspired me deeply...
but I don't know why these words don't stay long inside of me...
they are waning slowly from my head...my mind and soul...

Often...I reflect on myself... the things I've done... the things I could have achieved...
the thing I want to do...
and I am certainly not proud of myself...
although I've tried to be positive ...
to be so strong... but everything... lasts just for a very, short period...

I thought about my existence...and my purpose in life...
and even death...
and of course...people so helplessly clueless and stupid like me...
can't think of anything...
not even a slight idea surfaced....

as I woke up this morning...
and sat in front of the laptop...like every other day before...
I thought to myself...
why am I doing this... why waste my life away....
my eyes are swelling...
and come to think of it...
I've been sleeping way to late these days...
and drinking very little water...
I didn't exercise much...
and I certainly didn't gain weight...

I feel ugly...
and I always doubt it when people say I look above average...
but yet I still slightly remember the times when I feel utterly invincible...
when I was the head of the game...
when I felt absolute joy...
absolute power...
total control of my ... seemingly diminished life...

I woke up...and for the first time since a very long time...
I read the newspapers....
but it can't be classified as actual reading...
because politics and crime cases bores me...
and I've decided to buy two more books...

then I played the piano...
when my fingers danced...
two different feelings surfaced...
life...
and depression...
music gives me life...
but I feel so depressed and defeated when I realised ...
I am lousy when playing the piano...
it frustrates me when I can never play a piece beautifully..
and I felt I insulted the composer...
the work of art...
I've insulted music...
and myself...
I couldn't believe in myself...

and then I watched performances by orchestras...
playing works from Pirates of the Caribbean...
Hans Zimmer is an inspiration...
I always wanted to play orchestral instruments...
I felt goosebumps hearing through the performance...
once again...I felt nearly heaven again....
then everything stopped...

my soul was plunged into the dark...abyss again...

my dad bought lunch...
it was KFC....
I only ate one and a half piece...and two nuggets to be exact ...
and I stopped...
fast food utterly disgusts me...
I rather eat bread... and biscuits...

my mom asked me to searched for my Birth Cert...
which I took it out when I went to the bank....
the first time I forgot to collect it from the counter when it was taken to be photocopied...
but I remembered I checked it again the second time when I collected it from the counter...

then I searched my house...but to no avail...
how can I forget things like this...
now I don't even know where on earth is it...
and my mum drove off...
I don't know where...

I hate myself...
and maybe I don't respect myself any more...

I don't know how people actually think of me...
or how I come across people's minds...
I wanted to be happy in front of them...
I wanted to be bubbly...
I wanted to be the perfectionist...
and I always wished I inspired...

but I am too tired now...

instead I actually think I'm just an eyesore...
a hindrance to other people...
a vermin...
a useless friend...
a disappointing child...
never a lover...
a false creation of God...

Conclusion = I am so emo right now...
(but I know that..in a matter of minutes I'll be alright again... and I know something wrong is gonna happen again and bringing me down to me knees... I am weak... and really..really tired...)