An Empty mind... a torn heart... and a desperate soul...

I got bored... and I realised again that I never actually posted something that is just about what is currently on my mind ......
Heck I have a lot to say in other posts and complained a lot as well XD

I didn't do anything productive today...again... as usual,
and I missed waking up early and being greeted by chirping birds... and pulling my blue curtains aside and watch the clouds, making patterns and passing by...
(yeah I actually do these kinda things, these are the things that makes life so beautiful...I feel sexy and blessed too..LOL)

INSTEAD!
I've been waking up late around 11 am, to be greeted by the noise produced by my bro's computer... he is one shitty ass, as if playing after school for the rest of the day isn't enough, he still had to BOT =.=

Everyday feels like the same and time flies~~
I wake up and brush and clean, then I on my laptop...then I go to the kitchen to make breakfast and eat...then go and sit in front of the laptop ...
on MSN...and desperately wished someone will pop up and chat with me... but unfortunately no-.- ..but that's fine... I go to friendster and my blog and DESPERATELY anticipate for a message... sometimes yes sometimes no... but thanks though, for the messages I really appreciate it.. feels like at least I'm still alive in somebody else's world...

my days have been dark and gloomy...
as if some being sucked the life out of me... switched the lights off... and tossed my soul into a never-ending abyss...

I think the main reason why is because I lost a part of me...
Jessica...

(LOL don't get the wrong idea Okay... I love her but not that way...)
and I realised how special she is to me... she's really a part of my joy , my sunshine and my life..
I miss how she calls almost everyday and we just talk crap and gossip and criticise people and laugh like mad people... literally...
and I miss the times when she call to tell me she felt guilty spending hundreds on ugly bags and hideous clothes...
and I miss acting like a kiddo and calling her mommy and irritate her ...

I really feel that the light of my life is banished...

I called her to apologise few days ago...
she said she's okay but I still feel something awkward...
she still has that happy, bubbly tone in her...
but I felt its all forced... and she's avoiding me...
heck, we both are good in acting and being fake ... I don't know what's real and honest anymore...

She is my best friend and she always will be to me no matter what and I definitely can say no one will ever replace her...
because these kinda relationships are so hard to build and maintain...
we used to be honest but I don't know when it started to fade...
she hasn't been telling me stuff... and I stopped caring for a while...

I didn't knew the things I said could scared a friendship so deeply ....
and I don't think the wounds will heal and bring us back to what we were...
maybe it will strengthen us...but I certainly wish so... but I think she questions my loyalty as a friend...

so I think the main words I always wanted to tell you throughout the friendship is
Sorry
because I know there are a lot of times I weren't there for you when you needed my support...
because I say wrong things at the wrong time...
because I still dislike him... although I'm slowly accepting him though...
because I am always late...

and Thank you...
for being such an awesome friend and inspiration...
for giving me joy constantly from Day 1 and hopefully forever...
for doing weird things to me normal people wouldn't and letting me do weird things too...
(don't get the wrong impression again...please...this is a serious post...-.-)
for being among the few who makes me laugh like a drunkard ...
for smacking me back to reality...
for printing stuff for me...
for asking me to drop you off to your house...
for reminding me there are still innocent and bright people walking in this cold damp Earth...
for making a part of who I am...
for giving me this bubbly personality...yeah it totally came from you... my "gay-ness" and craziness
* Gay here means Happy and in terms of slang its looniness, not homo...so don't get ideas *
for reminding how beautiful life is...

Thank you...

Conclusion= Cherish your friends and life..never ever let them slip away...