Another beautiful day...

I woke up again....
by the chirping of birds....
to a fine view of trees... a park... a few metres away from the window...
a park of trees and mysteries....

but I was tired... so I went back to sleep... and this is to me.. one of the blissful things I can experience in my life.... having a nice wonderful sleep... feeling safe.. and without the pressure of going to school... waking up to the sky and sounds of nature...

Now I'm bored...
and I'm feeling weird inside my heart... that cold..shivering feeling... like its really empty... and its shivering... its like yearning for something... and sad, and scared because of uncertainties... and insecurities...
maybe because it lack love...
or it does not have the love it seek...
but it tell itself to wait... but waiting for uncertainties...
that may never happen...

and this feeling is so strong that the eyes teared up...
and the mind is thinking...
why are you crying?
for what reason... is it because you still haven't move on?
no... the heart says... no...
its because there's no one there to hold your hand....
its because the heart and soul knows that... nothing is promised and permanent...
even though the mind wants to believe so...

even though something so seemingly perfect is in front of your eyes..
but that person isn't ready either...
isn't ready to provide me with what I seek...
and maybe this day would never come...

the tears that my eyes are flowing now...
does not seem to have value anymore at one point... because recently I cried too much.. for once in my life...
the first time I cried and feel deeply sad...
not the feeling of crying so hard to ask your mom stop beating you...
I cried so hard begging the feeling to go away...
I cry so hard wishing someone might see my sad face...
and hold me.... and fill my eyes with light again...
fill my heart with endless love again...
make me whole again... help me pick up my shattered pieces.. and help me mend them back...

but I guess maybe this is too much for someone..
no one has that kind of time for me... nor to anyone else...
not many would pick up broken parts and make them perfect and whole again..
foolish to think so...
these thoughts make me weak...
why couldn't I pick up the pieces myself... and fill myself with my own love?....

maybe because...
its not possible for now...
I want someone in my life...
that special person to do that for me...
to fill that glass with roses... until it pours out...so there's freedom and love at the same time...

don't want to consume chocolates to hide my sorrows anymore...
don't wanna drink wine to replace the pain...
pure love should be the resolution...
but how long more?...

I'm cold....