A cry for salvation...

I realise while I'm back at home... here in little Seremban,
I did not wake up to the chirping of birds like I used to
instead, to my alarm clock 7.30 am everyday...
an attempt to study for my trials...
but to no avail

for these few days...
I stopped seeing beauty in life
beautiful things doesn't come through...

I'm broken...
pieces of me scattered everywhere...
I've lost them... and I guess trying to find them back will be a fruitless effort...
I have to mould them back myself..
to produce new parts of myself.... and make myself anew

this is by far the most disgraceful and disappointing period of my life...
trials is just a few days away and I have only completed 20% of my studies and now I'm crafting my own coffin...
I'm not gonna die yet mind you, gonna sleep in it a while...
and try to reconnect myself back again...
I have to wake up...
My true mind has been frozen long time ago...
and I was living the days unconsciously...
the minor part of me controlling my body...
hanging to my only essence...
but the mind was never there..

I don't want to linger in this state no longer...
I don't want to grow with this rate...
I want to fly away...
I want more...

I desperately must change...
help...

G.I Joe !!! WOhooo~~!!

a.k.a Government Issue~~

okay... I still tried to abstain myself from blogging but...
my naughty hands...
tie me....(its the holidays damn it!)

lol anyway I just watched it hours ago..
and I was blasted away~~ BAMMM!! (okay I do get excited by a lot of things... because I really enjoy every little things ma.. there are lots of things that are distasteful to me too.. like the crow... I saw when I was on my way home... which existed in one dimension... because it got squashed by some car... T_T)

it was totally awesome!!
a thrilling experience to watch! :D I cannot understand why people wouldn't like it...
I mean yeah, that are some scenes that are unnecessary and weird.. but the rest of the action is just marvelous, superbly choreographed ! ...
(I also do not understand why proper males who produces testosterones wouldn't like action movies.... oh comon, if you have a sensitive side.. at least don't let it overshadow that little boy in you == )

P***...
haha

anyway, just my perspective ^^

and Christine, thanks for ruining the movie for me.. well not exactly the whole experience..
but I cannot believe she turned to me and said..
"Hey you know what? Doesn't Channing looks like someone lovely? "
"Hmm? -.- ....Oh~~ ..."

and I had to bear watching that movie feeling awkward.. thank you so much.

in my humble opinion, there are a LOT of elements that are even better than Transformers 2
(gasp! O.O)
yea yea... trust me :D hehe
*note.. the acting...*
and of course it has its weird weird scenes where I don't know what was the director thinking...
with the effects and all.. Christine and I laughed like hell.. especially the scene where all of the Joes walk in one line in slow mo.. like some beauty ad.. showing how suave they are...
and suddenly poof*
back to normal and talking...
what on earth was that ...==

anyway well...did you know there are like 100 over characters? wow.. so much story to expand.. ==

well gotta go now~~here's a teaser of what I took this early morning...
trust me there are crazy pictures to look out for...
hehe...
(click on it and see :D its better~~)


Conclusion = Attraction is an emotion, and emotions are not based on science. If you can't quantify it then it doesn't make sense and in my mind it doesn't exist.

(well indirectly our emotions are based on our productions of hormones.. so.. but the product varies..) anyway, I totally heart this quote :D

Bored...

god I'm kinda bored now...
was copying notes just now but I could not really concentrate because every time I pass by the laptop I just need to touch it...
@.@
very unhealthy...
I tried to abstain from posting again but I'm utterly bored till I desperately need to release so I can get back to normal again...
haha

I'm listening to Paramore now...
awesome album ^^
I cannot wait to get back home this weekend as it will be a one week holidays next week.
Will be taking some photos of my neighbourhood with Krystal so I hope that will turn out awesome..

Wanna share some of my childhood memories with you guys ^^
the place I grew up and the neighbourhood that I run around in...
playing make-believe games with my childhood friends...
haha

Met up with Siva (a very old friend of mine, friends since 8 ^^ , awesome dude, someone I really look up to) today in KLCC, and he's going back to Canada again next Monday.
Damn, I gotta say I am so green with envy... I wish I can go overseas too...
and Shankaar and Pravin are both pursuing their studies in Australia...
we caught up with what we missed since the last time we met...
which was like last year Jan?
wow... time flies....
and hopefully I can attend his sis wedding next Sunday!
that was such a surprise!

Hmmm.... don't know what to write now...

Ok la.. go back and copy notes :D

I guess I have to really pull myself together soon...
or I'll be swept away by fierce hurricanes...

Someone tie me up please...
haha

Conclusion = A minor case of PMS

River Flows in You...

by Yiruma

Okay I'm supposed to sleep now but I can't help but to constantly play this piece of music...
its just so enigmatic and enchanting...
it never failed to draw me in...
so deeply..
I feel lost when I close my eyes... and just feeling it...
running through my veins..
dancing around my heart...
lifting my very soul...

I am that serious people==
LOL



and watching the video...
makes me SO WANNA BUY THE TWILIGHT SAGA AND READ THEM !
damn I should have bought them before I got scammed...
damn you evil people!




aww..
the words are so lovely..
lol
I'm a sucker for romance novels and movies~~

ok la.. I go sleep now..
*music still playing in my head*

Conclusion = Must learn this piece soon!

Live the Moment

Apa maksud ah...live the moment...
meaning you live life to the max? and do everything without hesitation..
and take crazy risks...
like shouting for attention when you see that hot girl pass by?
nah...

lol

Ok la enough shit.... Live The Moment was...
the THEME FOR PROM Night...
ouh...
now you know == (lol don't mind my tone for today's post)

Prom was unexpectedly awesome!!
I mean awesomeness!
the decoration was so impressive I thought I was transferred into a new dimension..
and my, the people are dressed up so well that they really got me envious and drooling....
Uwa~~


(and someone thought I cannot pull off my shirt... Hmmph~~
obviously he didn't know my secret identity....
HAHAHAHA!!!.... er hem)
(more pictures on facebook)

and I thought I might be a little bit crazy...
but hey! its Prom, so everyone wore nice nice to show off their assets,
some actually borrowed wedding dresses == as if I don't know how to differentiate... goodness its just prom...
some even put glitter all over them...
god.. the exaggeration...
and I don't need glitter to sparkle :D

maybe I got so excited and jumping because I never went to prom before and I don't have to really care about my image because I didn't have a proper date... and all of us gangs are having a massive group date and we are all lunatics...
AND I MEAN REALLY CRAZY!
haha

well to make it short, they were a few performances
and of course... the only performance which made me so HIGH was the..
err
LOL
扯铃 those traditional Chinese,big dumb bell like plastics (usually green in color) that you toss around with a string tied to sticks and you play them like giant yoyos?
(skip this part if you have no idea, try googling those 2 characters if curious)

and the performer was Vincent!! a dude in our gang! Awesomeness! lol I dunno how to describe the way he played it but he really did played like a pro,
he's an International Player who won numerous champions in so many countries including Taiwan etc. (go youtube to get a clear image)

and then...the usual... dinner... camwhoring...
and then!

dancing~~
lol
the usual... Waltz~~
like for an hour... and for the first 20 minutes I sat there...
just looking.. at the eyes of the couples staring dreamily into each other...
some had the eyes so enchanting I really wished they were staring at me... haha
some are so dead ...
and oh my god... some had those kinda expressions that I am sure there must be some other exciting activity after prom...
-.-
(American Pie anyone? hehe...)

anyway...
at the last hour... suddenly the whole hall turned into a club or something
I don't know whether does this happens in other Prom or not..
but we were like crazy!
lol at least for our gang... dancing sluttily and wildly
and screaming like we're on some mad roller coaster ride
people wouldn't believe we're book devourers from first class of science who scored string of Aces...
haha

and I cannot believe they only played "I know you want me" by Pitbull
when the event is over! and I couldn't dance to that song damn it..
OH MY GOD YOU DJ-S ARE SERIOUSLY RETARDED LA
FUCK YOU GUYS!!!
FUCK - Y-O-U WITH THE BIGGG F!!

....
seriously....lol
(my favourite club song at the moment ma.. I still feel so naughty and sexy when the song goes on.. haha)

but HEY! I HAVEN'T GOT TO THE MOST IMPORTANT PART YET!
where are the Prom Kings and Queens?!
ok la..
CHRISTINE WON!!!!!!!
LOL!
CHRISTINE WON THE TITLE OF PROM QUEEN 2009!!!
LOL!!!!
at one point I still cannot believe it not because I don't think she can win..
she obviously deserves it so much! but its just... I just feel so happy for her I still cannot believe when her name was announced
its like I won Asia's Next Supermodel or something!
ok la not to that extend... if that happens... I will be coma for 3 days..

and then...
we left around 1? 12? and hit Old Town...
lol not some pub or club... would be cool though.. us dressing like that...
and hang and talk dirty till 3...
haha the girls are seriously amusing thanks to the sexual education our bio lecturers gave us

it never occured to me that playing Ling Gun
is actually playing with the stick and the 铃....
and other naughty stuff we said that day about soft and hard...
should be left classified....

I WAS TALKING ABOUT CANDY! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?


Conclusion = Live life with lower expectations? yep... that's the trick and I guess this might be my last post for now... I will be isolated for a few months... to search for something.. that was left behind a long time ago... Muahahaha

I know you want me~~ want me~~
you know I want cha ~~ want cha~~
I know you want me~~
you know I want cha ~~ want cha~~
one-two-three-four
Uno-do'-tres-cuatro
( I can really dance naughty to this , too bad no one to dance to on bed now.. HAHAHA )
(WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! @.@)

Thank God..

lol I cannot help it but I just wanna type...
I used to be able to stop blogging for a period of time when I wanted to..
but SOMEONE requested me to post frequently at a point of my life and it has became quite a habit .... haiz..
but I guess you're moving on with your life now..
I am kinda too.. just that the rate is not as I expected.. bloody...

ANYWAY!
Thank God for not killing my lovely Bio lecturer T_T
no I'm not kidding...
she met with a freak accident yesterday and she still managed to make us laugh at her...
although I must say it was so scary just imagining what happened...
(ok let me try to describe with my very very appalling level of English...)
(on second thought.. I just recall what she said..that would be better)

"OH MY God you know what? I just met with an accident yesterday! "
Everybody's jaws dropped
"and you know what?! it was my 1 DAY old car! "

"huh?"

"Yeah! My one day old car I got for my convo! "
"It happened at PJ Section 13, and I was coming out at a corner but I couldn't see oncoming cars... because the stupid people parked their cars everywhere! Apparently there was a pasar malam"
"I just came out of the corner a little and all of a sudden the car just crashed into me!"
@.@
"and the whole scenario just keep repeating in my mind... tyres screeching...excruciating honking...and BANG! my head got tossed to the side of the windows and that constant pulsing is so painful...
the whole front part went off! the tyre, the engine, the window thingy... and whatever front part were all gone!~~... T_T my new car.."

"My sister was sitting beside me and our friends were at the back. and my sis told me the first thing I said after regaining conciousness was .."my new car..."

Me : == ..typical..

The guy actually saw her car coming but he was still speeding with 110km per hour because he assumed she would brake...
Thank his mom for leaving him a DNA strand to program him to steer off and bang the front part of the car.
If not she would have really died..
IT WAS THAT SERIOUS.

"what model was it?" some guy asked.

"it was a Hyundai i 10 ! errk.. my new car....T_T "

"miss miss! what's the .."
"I know I know 4***... typical of you guys, all my friends called just to ask the car plate number"
she interrupted.

and then she went on elaborating on the police.... and other funny stuff...

suddenly I got no mood to type now....
oh... I'm getting my PMS again.. LOL

but
she said she went to the Hospital Universiti
"Miss, registeration satu jam, tunggu doktor 3-4 jam"
"APA?! Orang boleh mati tunggu tau?!"

"and yeah it was the emergency lane...." Miss G mumbled...

everyone laughed and I was drooling from digesting that fact....
I think its my brain juice...

and she continued with lecture...
***********************************************
Prom is this Saturday!
I wonder what will happen...
I hope Christine wins :D

minutes ago Christine was jumping and getting all excited about her new pet rabbit which
was of a palm sized
seconds ago.. she came to me, sounding very sad..
the rabbit was eaten by a cat...
how..
sarcastic life can be...
LOL

well I gotta go back to my stuff now...
life will be miserable I guess for the next few months if I manage to carry out my plan properly..
and hopefully there will be a garden of fruits awaiting me....

CONCLUSION = Why is life turning upside down now... its not that I wanna view it negatively but you just cannot ignore the events... I hope rainbows will appear again...
oh yeah! I hope when I get my hybrid car... It doesn't get crashed @.@

Lost and Found...

I went to a Lost and Found shop today...
a place which I do not frequent to...
a place I only visit when I really lost something...

as I pushed opened the door.. the rusted bell rang...
an old, frail keeper stood there...
waiting... and smiling at me...
I forced a smile back at him, and walked slowly...
"Ah.. its been ages my boy, what brings you here? " he said cheerfully.
"I... er... lost some stuff sir... and I want them back..."
"Well, of course you lost some important stuff my boy! But do you know what are they? "

I stared blankly at the old man's pale grey eyes... and nothing came out of my mouth...
"of course..." he replied... and he went back into the storage room...
to come back few seconds later... with a chest made of glass....
it was cold...

"So what do you want to know? What have you lost? or what you still have left? or found..."
"lost..."
Without hesitating... he grabbed my hand and gave me a crystal taken from the chest...
I felt pain... lots of pain... and I felt like I got tossed around wildly..
I vanished...

It was white...
all white...
as I entered the ward.. there she lay... with her eyes closed...
but her hands moving weakly..
and her breaths are heavy..
I held her hand...
that warm hand...
and I called out to her...
and she teared...
I thought everything was going to be alright...

it was always on these occasions that I felt that our family are one again...
where we don't argue...
and we all sat quietly in the car.. and prayed...
that everything is going to be alright...

I vanished again...
and it was night time...
I was happy because I was with my best of friends, Christine, 234 and her family...
celebrating her brother's 21st birthday...
we had tremendous fun...
and I thought I was moving on...
and I thought everything will be alright...
but deep down... I still wish you could see me laughing... and smiling back at you..

the next morning, black crows flew by...
and bad news came...
why is it that only when death knocks...
only all family members are reunited...
only our spirits are really one...

I did not dared to look at the faces last time...
when it was both grandpas and greatgrandma...
but I did on you... and you were beautiful...

as I stood at the cemetery...
paying my last respects...
tossing that handful of crystal white sand into your grave...
the old man told me...
"Life is full of surprises eh? my.. my.. especially death... you just never knew when he's coming.."
I looked at him sadly...
and we both vanished..

of flower baths...
haunting incantations...
and burnt joss-sticks...
the smell of death came back to me...

as we bid my once, grandparents house good-bye...
I felt that its empty now...
empty from the noises of grandchildren running and screaming around...
empty from the sound of cooking from the kitchen...
empty from the sound of Mahjong pieces clashing together...
the sound of silence penetrates me...
and dragged me off the ground...

I hope the next time we come by..
it will be filled with laughters and cheers again...

I vanished again...
back into the shop...
the old man was sitting on a rocking chair now...
rocking slowly... looking at me...
"You lost a loved one my boy... although you don't feel it everyday... her love for her children and grandchildren was always there"
"Don't be saddened boy... I know you lost another love too... you haven't lost one's soul yet.. keep having faith...
but you have to give up on that one you see... because that soul does not belong to you...
although you lost both loves... their spirits are still with you..."

I teared again... only to realise... I actually still love you...
I still see you everywhere..
standing on my lawn when I was hanging my clothes..
lying in that ward... eating that awful food... and sending me a message complaining how bad it was...
creeping up to me when I was washing my dishes...
ironing my clothes...
holding me... to another view of Titanic...
kissing my forehead...
and I guess I have binded that love... trapped....
and I have to live with it...
I will not ask you to be mine...
even if we are just friends...
I will be happy for you... happy that you're successful..
happy that you found another ...

"What you still have my boy... is so much to mention... but most importantly...
you still have plenty of loved ones... and they will be here for you no matter what...
what you still have... is your virtues....
treasure them... and learn to love yourself more...
and let that love overflow... and infect others....
and you will overcome all..."

"what you found... well... you found a new side of yourself... you found strength.... and wisdom...
grow.... keep growing my boy... and focus...
this is critical now...
there will be hurricanes soon... and you must overcome it...
release yourself from the horrible past my boy...
and give another angel a chance to save you...
give that angel a chance to love you... and fly with you...
I cannot give you back the things you have lost... they are forever gone dear boy... learn to accept that..."

The old man turned away...
and put on a record...
a familiar composition...
the sound of beautiful piano filled the air...
and the notes danced around me....
it was Chopin...Nocturne Op9. No.2....

and I walked away....

the rusted bell rang again...
and as I took a few steps towards the streets...
a bird flew to me...
and the bird told me that the message is well received...
I kissed the bird...
and another stream of tears flowed down my left cheek...
passing my scar... burning it...
I continued walking...

the sounds of dancing keys fading....

I got my funeral...
but it wasn't the one I wanted...