Afraid of losing...

I'm afraid...

today marks the day where I felt another level of insecurity....

Christine got denggue and what I heard from 234 , its kinda serious...

her White Blood cells level is high....

and she couldn't really move...

I don't know whether is this a typical process that one go through when you get hit by denggue but it feels fatal to me...

because her WBC level must go down soon... and it all have to depend on her own body resistance...

but I know, that girl... that crazy girl is strong enough to fight it :D and

we'll be hoping around soon going crazy again,

screaming on top of our lungs ^^

but still...one part of me feel so bad...

I wish I am there to be beside her, to let her know that this friend is here for her....

I'm sorry Christine... I truly wish I'm beside you now to know that things are all right

and to see that scary face of yours when you sleep .... XD

what I can do now is pray for you... to recover soon and come back to us ^^

at another level...

I am afraid...

of myself... of how I feel and how I think...

I don't know what kind of person I am in front of your eyes...

I don't know what is expected of me...

I don't know am I giving enough...

I cannot control myself...

of thinking negative things....

unwanted stories....

I sincerely want to be with you...

but I am scared...

to fall... but I am falling...deep... very deep... into an abyss....

a part of me is enjoying it and want to fall deeper.... fall until I land on the bottom of this hole..

to find out what is waiting to be discovered....

another part of me is so scared.... that part of me wish I could just stop in

the middle...

or get pulled back...

not that I don't favour the source...

i'm just afraid of everything....

at one point... I just wanna stop

stop living... because it feels so complicated...

but I can't... because its irresponsible right?

how important am I to you anyway?...

I really wanna know...

yes there are signs... but I keep getting distracted by other things...

I don't know why I keep doubting...

is it because of me alone... or there really is something afterall....

I hope there's no lie... I don't know what to think ....

I'm really loosing my mind....

please...

hold my hand...

and make it all right...

I don't know how....

I always wanted an angel to save me...

I hope its you....

I hope what we see in the future will materialise... because I'm tired of chasing chances and chasing stupid things already...

Maybe you do not know... I want you badly ....

make me smile like this again please? .... only you can do this right now...

I guess right now you hold the key to my empty soul... when you told me you feel empty... I can relate to that... if not better, I realise... there are so many things in life .... I have no one in particular to turn to.. at least you have a few friends whom you can relate to ... and you have so many people who care about you... compared to me... I am empty.... I stand no where...

Conclusion= I'm scared of losing both of you... my dearest souls...