Smoky fumes and mushroom clouds....

I woke up 5.30 am today...
because I have to pay my late grandma's grave a visit
some prayers I had to attend...

under the blazing sun...
and surrounded by suffocating smoke from joss-sticks..
holding them high to bear another few intervals of incantations...
I felt weird...

awkward thing is...
I suddenly miss my granddad, who passed away when I was 13...
I felt like as the eldest grandchild, I didn't connect with him much...
I should have talked and shared stories with him more
and cherished him more...
equally the same for my other grandparents..

I guess its my problem for being a quiet person...
I am not open enough around people...
I cannot find the comfort to express myself...
and I only choose certain people to share my true self...
I kinda regret having this trait myself
not being able to gain inspiration and knowledge for what could have been

sometimes I wish things are easier...
for a lot of cases...
I wish I could just release myself..
and operate properly
sometimes I wish my loved ones would know, understand and accept..
but its hard though...
and I guess the possibility is incredibly rare...
too much pressure and heartache..
too much disappointments...

still..
searching my way out of this abyss....
the maze with everchanging paths....
for a confirm illumination...
at least one stream of white light to help me pass this phase first
I don't want to linger here anymore...
I wonder the path I will take in the future is another illusion...
or the proper way...
bless me
and surprise me :D

Black and white

more on facebook :D
hope you enjoyed viewing

Vampire Poison...

I kinda hit climax when I read a page of Twilight... (because most probably there would be more thrilling stuff in the future...)
page 219 of the first book to be exact

I hope this isn't illegal... its non-commercial purpose anyway so I guess I couldn't be sued...
anyway!
haha
quote from the book... {I'm kinda promoting the book in a sense =) }

*************************************************************
"I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me,amazed that it was possible to be more aware of him than I already was. A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.

My eyes, of their own accord, flickered to him. I smiled sheepishly as I realized his posture was identical to mine, fists clenched under his arms, right down to the eyes, peering sideways at me. He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.

The hour seemed very long. I couldn't concentrate on the movie - I didn't even know what subject it was on. I tried unsuccessfully to relax, but the electric current that seemed to be originating from somewhere in his body never slackened. Occasionally I would permit myself a quick glance in his direction, but he never seemed to relax, either. The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Mr.Banner flicked the lights back on at the end of class, and stretched my arms out in front of me, flexing my stiff fingers. Edward chuckled beside me. "
*******************************************************************
*breathes deeply...*

as I go through this page...
my hair stood up...
my eyes widen,
I felt ticklish...
and I couldn't help but laugh...
very loudly
and literally felt slight spasms...
I suddenly realise...
god... this feels wrong because...
why am I reading mushy things like this -.-
suddenly my brain snapped and yeah... this is indeed a chick book I guess?
yet...
the very poison that damaged my mind manifested itself..
the absolute reason why...
I kept going back for more...
more Twilight... is because I find it bloody entertaining to read this weird..
teenage... stuff...
haha
and Edward Cullen's overwhelming perfection...
is kinda infectious...
*cough* homo..*cough*
LOL

seriously... the way Stephenie describe Edward is so exaggerating...

anyway what a fun read!

signing off, and going back to more blood....

Itchy...

that's how I feel right now...

since a few weeks ago... I came to realise, after moving away from home for one and a half years already... my body isn't adept to the germs in my house anymore...
cause every weekend when I come back... my neck starts itching and turns red....
and other places itches too ... -.-
but the neck is the most uncomfortable and awkward part...

Its the Raya holidays~!
so Selamat Hari Raya to all :D
and I'm thinking whether or not should I give myself a one week holiday since we're given till Wednesday... and only another 2 more days till Saturday... hmm
hehe....

and I guess my neighbours would be bloody annoyed by me now
for the reason I kept playing the same song on piano for weeks... and at least 10 times a day...( I taught myself the piano so I don't have a range of compositions to play thank you very much and I only have the motivation to learn the music I like so don't give me the learn a new song then shit :D )
actually I wanna learn "kiss the rain" but no printer so...
someone print for me?
that would be divine...

hmm.. speaking of neighbours.. I wonder how they think of me...
LOL
guess they confirm I'm the crazy, lunatic neighbour just months after we moved in...
I make weird noises in the house a lot when I'm frustrated...
and I scream too randomly...
LOL
which is such an emotional satisfaction...
I pity my future lover though...
unless that one is crazy as well...

and its been such a long time since I updated...
I have already went back to the no inspiration mood...
but this update is obviously synonymous to me-typing-my-frustrations-down-because-I'm-having-PMS :D
no particular reason though...
maybe its because I just feel itchy and hot...
I hate the weather generally...
and whenever I think of weather... I think of our near-death planet...
which is so sad that there are still mindless people polluting the Earth,
not that I'm being perfect and leaving no carbon footprints..
but at least I'm doing little things to help reduce

and for lovely routine that I just adapted...
4 hours of Twilight but 50 pages of it...
I wonder what happened to my reading skills...
most probably the my absent mind drifts away too much...
that is one part of me I cannot let dominate...
and 1 hour of proper studying..
I'm doomed...
haha

plus,
not that no one knows...
but my love for Lady Gaga has catapulted to the top of the pyramid
she is A-W-E-S-O-M-E
her interviews are enlightening
and her shows..
GOD her shows... are mind-blowing!
if she ever comes here, I definitely will buy front row!
even watching her from the videos is freaking ecstatic XD


the camera is a bit off though...
but god.. the opening is superb!

time to sign out now cause I finished working out my fingers

COnclusion = Wanna go sleep...

Twirling Grey Clouds...

I am utterly pissed lately ==
lol well its not really what you think, for any normal person their head would be burning...
I just think I should be angry but I don't really feel angry..
sad....
anyway when I came back from holidays... I realise my laptop is not working anymore...
and I wonder what the source of problem is... hmmmm

(notice the sarcasm :D)

so I had to bring it back home... and have to wait for I don't know how brilliantly long... until it gets repaired...
and damn.. I didn't made backup... I did ask my clueless mom to request for a backup..
I hope she remembers...
OH MY GOD I REALLY WANNA WATCH AVATAR!!
which I so luckily got last time...
sad...
and all my files... and research....
and SONGS!!!
oh my god my songs...
all those albums... damn it -.-


another wonderful piss off is I cannot believe I didn't got my hands on the Twilight books and The Time traveler's Wife...




I especially wanted the latter... so much... wanted it even more desperately after watching the trailer ...


after my visit to the Book Fest.. I really learn one valuable lesson..
never go to that place on the last day... the books are all in bad condition(more emphasis on this one.. I MEAN REALLY BAD)... and most are out of stocks... bloody ==
and I did the total opposite of excellent in my trials.. enough said..
I guess I wouldn't be able to use the forecast for a Janury intake then...
hmmm... what should I do for my next half of year...
==
FUCK..
now I really feel wasted..
LOL

maybe I should really try knocking on some doors then next year since I would be free..
and hopefully I'll go New York or whatever and screw studying already..
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


p/s to miss Wai Xin a.k.a Oo-chee-bang, in case you haven't seen my facebook yet.
LOL see I can smile what== this is really nice ok :D


anyway,
have a splendid day everyone!

Conclusion = Keep yourself motivated :D

A cry for salvation...

I realise while I'm back at home... here in little Seremban,
I did not wake up to the chirping of birds like I used to
instead, to my alarm clock 7.30 am everyday...
an attempt to study for my trials...
but to no avail

for these few days...
I stopped seeing beauty in life
beautiful things doesn't come through...

I'm broken...
pieces of me scattered everywhere...
I've lost them... and I guess trying to find them back will be a fruitless effort...
I have to mould them back myself..
to produce new parts of myself.... and make myself anew

this is by far the most disgraceful and disappointing period of my life...
trials is just a few days away and I have only completed 20% of my studies and now I'm crafting my own coffin...
I'm not gonna die yet mind you, gonna sleep in it a while...
and try to reconnect myself back again...
I have to wake up...
My true mind has been frozen long time ago...
and I was living the days unconsciously...
the minor part of me controlling my body...
hanging to my only essence...
but the mind was never there..

I don't want to linger in this state no longer...
I don't want to grow with this rate...
I want to fly away...
I want more...

I desperately must change...
help...

G.I Joe !!! WOhooo~~!!

a.k.a Government Issue~~

okay... I still tried to abstain myself from blogging but...
my naughty hands...
tie me....(its the holidays damn it!)

lol anyway I just watched it hours ago..
and I was blasted away~~ BAMMM!! (okay I do get excited by a lot of things... because I really enjoy every little things ma.. there are lots of things that are distasteful to me too.. like the crow... I saw when I was on my way home... which existed in one dimension... because it got squashed by some car... T_T)

it was totally awesome!!
a thrilling experience to watch! :D I cannot understand why people wouldn't like it...
I mean yeah, that are some scenes that are unnecessary and weird.. but the rest of the action is just marvelous, superbly choreographed ! ...
(I also do not understand why proper males who produces testosterones wouldn't like action movies.... oh comon, if you have a sensitive side.. at least don't let it overshadow that little boy in you == )

P***...
haha

anyway, just my perspective ^^

and Christine, thanks for ruining the movie for me.. well not exactly the whole experience..
but I cannot believe she turned to me and said..
"Hey you know what? Doesn't Channing looks like someone lovely? "
"Hmm? -.- ....Oh~~ ..."

and I had to bear watching that movie feeling awkward.. thank you so much.

in my humble opinion, there are a LOT of elements that are even better than Transformers 2
(gasp! O.O)
yea yea... trust me :D hehe
*note.. the acting...*
and of course it has its weird weird scenes where I don't know what was the director thinking...
with the effects and all.. Christine and I laughed like hell.. especially the scene where all of the Joes walk in one line in slow mo.. like some beauty ad.. showing how suave they are...
and suddenly poof*
back to normal and talking...
what on earth was that ...==

anyway well...did you know there are like 100 over characters? wow.. so much story to expand.. ==

well gotta go now~~here's a teaser of what I took this early morning...
trust me there are crazy pictures to look out for...
hehe...
(click on it and see :D its better~~)


Conclusion = Attraction is an emotion, and emotions are not based on science. If you can't quantify it then it doesn't make sense and in my mind it doesn't exist.

(well indirectly our emotions are based on our productions of hormones.. so.. but the product varies..) anyway, I totally heart this quote :D