Smoky fumes and mushroom clouds....

I woke up 5.30 am today...
because I have to pay my late grandma's grave a visit
some prayers I had to attend...

under the blazing sun...
and surrounded by suffocating smoke from joss-sticks..
holding them high to bear another few intervals of incantations...
I felt weird...

awkward thing is...
I suddenly miss my granddad, who passed away when I was 13...
I felt like as the eldest grandchild, I didn't connect with him much...
I should have talked and shared stories with him more
and cherished him more...
equally the same for my other grandparents..

I guess its my problem for being a quiet person...
I am not open enough around people...
I cannot find the comfort to express myself...
and I only choose certain people to share my true self...
I kinda regret having this trait myself
not being able to gain inspiration and knowledge for what could have been

sometimes I wish things are easier...
for a lot of cases...
I wish I could just release myself..
and operate properly
sometimes I wish my loved ones would know, understand and accept..
but its hard though...
and I guess the possibility is incredibly rare...
too much pressure and heartache..
too much disappointments...

still..
searching my way out of this abyss....
the maze with everchanging paths....
for a confirm illumination...
at least one stream of white light to help me pass this phase first
I don't want to linger here anymore...
I wonder the path I will take in the future is another illusion...
or the proper way...
bless me
and surprise me :D